100% Violated!!!

Hi All,

I've been with my husband almost eighteen and married for almost eleven.

We have been having problems for past three years after I discovered he had an inappropriate relationship with a sixteen year old girl (he always claimed nothing transpired), I found naked photographs of him and his ex-wife on his lap top taken during our marriage (again he always claimed nothing transpired) and one day just packed in his full-time job without any discussion with me as to how we were going to manage our mortgage etc and hence sent our finances into complete dissaray. Despite all of this we decided to make a go of it and things at last seemed to be working out well and the major hurdles being overcome, but since all of the above, my senses have been heightened.

It was these heightened senses that alerted me to the fact that I was sure he was messaging on his laptop. As his work involves computers, he had his laptop completely secure with passwords etc to keep me and my daughter out of it. However, my 20 year old daughter is quite good with computers too and was able to access his temporary internet files from his laptop while he was at work last week. However, nothing could have prepared me for what we found.

During our 'private bedroom time' over the years we have experimented with both the camera and video camera. However, my husband has been using sleazy websites whereby he can trade photographs and video footage with others and they can pass commments on them etc. I'm gutted to learn that explicit photographs/images of me and us have been traded on this website for this purpose. The dialogue we read referring to my anatomy and what these sleazy folks would like to do to my anatomy was disgusting and depraved. I'm so naive, that it took some half an hour of reading to realise that the content of dialogue was actually referring to me! OMG, I'm so disgusted and feel violated to think that some random perverts have been ogling and seeing me in this way. My husband has also made equally depraved and smutty comments on others' photographs and has engaged himself in live web-cam images as there's references made to his bodily parts in action! My head is reeling with this; I'm not eating, sleeping and I'm barely functioning at the minute. How can a man who even now, claims to love me 100%, betray my trust like this and put images of me live so other perverts can do unmentinable things with their hands over my pictures. It's absolutely disgusting and I feel 100% disgusted! I've never been particularly confident and like most women, very hard on myself and critical about my body, but my confidence has plummeted to an all time low!

I really don't know where I can go for help; this really isn't the sort of man/woman squabble I feel I could broach for advice from my mum or a friend over a coffee!

He admits he has some kind of 'problem', but still claims undying love for me and is crying and pleading for another chance. I feel absolutely numb, betrayed and can't see how we can ever begin to heal such a massive breach of trust.

I also feel deeply gutted for my daughter having to see her step-dad in this light and to read such sordid comments made about me. All in all it's an impossible situation and as such any offer of help, comments, coping strategies etc etc would be greatly accepted as soon as possible before I completely lose my marbles. If this was all I had to deal with, things would be bad enough, but this is just another addition to a long line of deceit and mistrusts.

Many thanks in advance,

Michelle

[roobaby]

I really feel for you. I can’t tell you what to do but here are my thoughts.

Some men find it difficult to distinguish between love and ***ual desires/urges. They don’t understand why partners would be upset by ***ual divergence – “It was only ***, it meant nothing, it was only a bit of fun, you’re the one I love! “ etc etc. I am sure your husband does love you in his own way, but he has some character flaws whereby he can’t commit to you 100%. No relationship can survive on mistrust and a sense of betrayal. You’ve tried forgiveness once, and you now find yourself back in turmoil.

My advice would be for you to seek some counselling from a relationship councillor. You might have to go privately for this, but most councillors will negotiate charges depending on your financial cir***stances. Before you make any decision you need to rediscover ‘you’ and your inner strength. You are not in a good place at the moment to make any decision, which would be a knee jerk reaction. It would be easy to say leave him, but we all know it’s not always as easy at that. Once you discover yourself, what your hopes and desires are, you will be in a better position to make a decision which is best for you in the long term.

Good luck

Thanks you for your comments...I appreciate your time and views.

[queen swords]

Like roo , i feel for what you must be going through , sad it had to involve your daughter , to reveal the darker side of your husbands seedy antics.
I would be horrified if my husband was even discussing our bedroom antics with others or even worse showing explicit pictures over the net.
What goes on between a husband and wife .. stays with them, and how can he claim his undying love for you , when he obviousley can't have any respect for you.
If the respect was there he would not have done what he done with your personal pics let alone let other men drool and do things over that are making you feel so sick.
You gave him a chance , the 1st time , you found out he was playing away with a 16 yearold.. to be honest i would be deeply disturb if my husband even so much as looked at a 16 year old in a sleezy way.
And as much as i love my husband , could not 4give him and i would be worried for other teens who might fall for the older person giving them attention.
Your 4giveness never paid of as he betrayed your trust again .
The more you keep 4giving him the more he will think , oh she will have a bad few days but will not kick me out as i know i can get away with it.
Leopards as they say Dont change there spots, and you deserve to be treated better and not disrespected by a man who claims to love you.
Anyway best of luck.. but dont take any old crud you are a better person and will get more respect if you don't take the poop being taken out of you.

[shazzababie]

i tend to agree with Roo and Queenie..

You gave this guy a chance before yet once again he has betrayed you behind your back doing something that would upset you. This is not tolerable. You will never ever be able to trust this man again as he has proven by disrespecting u in this way. My advice is that you only have one life and get him the hell out of it and let him carry on with his seedy and disgusting antics well away from yourself.

I would also suggest that you take the hard drives out the computers so he cannot send any more explicit private pictures of you to any other sleazeballs


get the hell out of this relationship babes he is disrespecting you at every turn !!! He's seriously takin the p1ss out of your good nature

[pete8242]

mid life crisis anyone??????