ONE Liner Jokes

[B]So I saw this Scotsman and I asked him if he had spots when he was younger. He replied “Achh-neeee”.

One arm butlers – they can take it but they can’t dish it out…

Beware of Alphabet Grenades… if you throw them, it could spell disaster!

My mate said to me: “Can you tell me what you call someone who comes from Corsica?” I said: “Cors-i-can”!

When it comes to cosmetic surgery… a lot of people turn their noses up.

I used go out with an anesthetist – she was a local girl…

I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrotts with the Grim Reaper… dicing with death!

I was walking down the road the other day and I saw this advert in the window that said “Television for Sale – £1- Volume Stuck On Full”. I thought: “I can’t turn that down”.

A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!

So I went to the record shop and I said “What have you got by The Doors?” He said: “A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!”

What do you call a lady with big teeth that sleeps in the afternoon? Siesta Rantzen.

Albinos – you can’t say fairer than that!

(Holding up a notice which says “Future Events”) Tim Vine: “Well, there’s a sign of things to come!”

My mate bet with me that I’d never eat at a barbecque with Matthew Corbett – I said, that’s a Sweep-Stake!

I’ve got a friend who has got a butler whose left arm is missing – serves him right.

I was in the army once and the Sergeant said to me: “What does surrender mean?” I said: “I give up!”

One of my squaddies in my army came up to my bunk bed the other day and had a hairdryer against my duvet, I said: “Don’t blow my cover”

I was looking for the directions for Radio 1 in London, and a guy pointed me in the direction of the building. I said: “That’s not a building, thats a cloud!” He said: “Down a bit…”

I have spent the afternoon re-arranging the furniture in Draculas house… I was doing a bit of Fang-Shui

I want to tell you a bit about myself.. I’m a very quiet and secretive person, and that’s it really.
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