Piece of writing I'm working on... Any feedback would really be appreciated. Thanks x

[LilPixie10]

If anyone would care to read this (Sorry... its a bit long) I would really appreciate any and all feedback. Happy to email everything I have so far if anyone is interested... x

Aliya jumped when she heard a knock on the door.
“Who…?” She sure wasn’t expecting anyone. After quickly saving the do***ent she was working on, she went to the door. What she saw when she opened it was both pleasant, and a little surprising.
“Nice Pyjamas” The voice was soft, but at the same time, completely and utterly male. ****. Thank God I put some make up on this morning! She could not allow Jason of all people to see the evidence of her sleepless nights, among other things.
“Yeah thanks. What are you doing here?” She had been trying so hard to avoid this particular man for weeks. He just wouldn’t go away. Although, now that he was standing in front of her, she wasn’t sure she wanted him to go away anymore.
“Can’t I tell you that inside? I’m getting bloody soaked here Ali!”
“Shoot, sorry. Yeah, come in. I take it you want a cuppa?”
“Always” No. Ali told herself. She hadn’t heard any sort of double entendre in that single word. Dream on sunshine.

Jason went automatically to the living room and settled himself on the sofa. He noticed Aliya’s dining table was littered with papers surrounding her laptop. Damn. She really was studying. He had been getting more and more annoyed at Aliya’s constant brush offs. It wasn’t like her to ignore him. They had been best friends since college, when he had moved over to Manchester from California at 18. They had bumped into each other – literally - in a bar in the city. Aliya had been carrying a huge stack of papers and files which had been sent flying into the air when she had all but crashed into him. She immediately went to the floor muttering apologies and began picking up the papers. At the sound of a low laugh from somewhere behind him, Jason saw that Aliya stilled and a primal protectiveness rose in him so quickly that he nearly missed way a big hand curled around Aliya’s wrist. Nearly. There was no concern in that hold, only mocking amusement. Looking up, he had come face to face with Aliya’s boyfriend of the time, and her now husband. He instantly disliked the man, seeing straight through the façade he obviously wore in public. Aliya had looked so determined before her papers had tumbled to the floor. A fire in her eyes that spoke of ambition and passion. He had made the decision there and then that he would get to know this young woman.
“Here” Aliya’s sweet voice brought him out of his memories, and as he looked up he could see the small crease between her eyebrows, the shadows in her eyes. He knew she was unhappy. That was why he’d come. Although he could never tell her that. She wasn’t his to protect. She’d made her choice five years ago when she married that beast.
“What’s up with you? You look more stressed than me!” He knew she was trying to make light of her suffering. So proud. She never allowed anyone to see that she was struggling with anything. Except him. Before she had married, she had always turned to him for advice, comfort, and he to her. But since then…
“I was worried about you Ali. You stopped texting me back”
“Don’t be silly. I told you I was studying. I’m on a roll with this assignment.” She handed Jason his cup of tea and set the plate of homemade biscuits between them on the sofa. Jason’s lounging position left almost no room for her, as always. “If you don’t shift your ass, these biscuits will end up on the floor, and then you’ll be sorry” That got her a little smile. And oh what a sight it was. A smile from Jason never failed to stop her heart. From the moment they had met in the bar all those years ago, she had loved that smile. They had become fast friends through college, although Jason had made his dislike of Blake quite clear. Oh he’d been there for her when she married Blake, though the animosity between the two men was unmistakeable. He had supported her through her pregnancy, and was as good as an uncle to Callum, for which she was eternally grateful. Callum needed a good male role model in his life. Blake was definitely… struggling… in that area. But it was ok. She’d help him get there eventually.
“You sure you’re ok Ali?” She could tell that he knew she wasn’t telling him everything, but how could she tell him what had happened? How could she admit that despite her greatest efforts, she had ended up in a relationship where she wasn’t loved? She hadn’t even confided in her mother. She certainly wasn’t going to tell the man towards whom she’d always felt an indescribable pull. No. She shouldn’t think like that. Blake was a good man. He didn’t mean the things he said.
With a determined “I’m fine. Just tired. You know when I get my head into study mode I forget to sleep” she attempted once more to lighten the conversation. Thankfully, Jason seemed to take the hint.
“Yeah, although you looked like you just crawled out of bed. What is it with you and studying in your Pjs, huh?” She looked so ***y it was hard not to throw the damn biscuits between them to the floor and kiss her until she melted for him right then and there on the sofa. Pink stripy pants, a hoodie that he’d given her as a birthday present a few years ago, and her hair sc****d back into a messy ponytail, he had to fight to maintain his self control. She’s not yours. You missed your chance. And Aliya was not the kind of woman who broke a vow. And he was not the kind of man who broke up a family. He was too experienced in the pain it caused kids when families broke up.
“You know me. I like to be comfy”
“Yeah, I remember” They had spent many an evening together in college, when Blake had left her to go out with his friends, never involving her in anything he did. His refusal to bring her into his circle of friends had hurt at first, but she’d gradually accepted that Blake’s friends were his own, and she had Jason. He had always come round with a hot chocolate from her favourite coffee shop, and a couple of new books for her to read. She had loved every single one. She would always be in her scruffs, and he would always be dressed so casual and ***ily that it she was almost always frustrated. But they would talk long into the night about everything and nothing. And it was… wonderful. She thought. As easy as breathing.
“So where’s mini monster man? At your Mum’s?” At the mention of her son, Aliya seemed to relax without conscious thought. She nodded as she took a sip of her tea. That’s better. He thought. Aliya smiled the first real smile he’d seen on her face in what felt like forever. He hated that she never really smiled anymore. Not really. Oh she smiled, but other people didn’t seem to notice that her eyes were still full of shadows. Except when she thought about Callum. Jason was glad she had Callum. He was growing up to be a smart kid, and at least Callum could make his mother smile. It was a kick to Jason’s gut that it couldn’t be him to do it. He would have made her smile every day.
“You happy Ali?” It came out much huskier than he had intended. His mind still running over all the ways he could make her happy if she had chosen him and not the snake of a man she married.
“Yes.” Aliya replied, a little too quickly. She held Jason’s gaze, aware that if she looked away he wouldn’t believe her and would keep pushing. She couldn’t bear the thought of Jason pitying her. She didn’t like the thought of anyone pitying her, but Jason’s pity would be far worse. She wanted to be strong, like her mother. And even if she didn’t feel strong anymore, she certainly wouldn’t let anyone see that. He didn’t look convinced, but rather than push her, he moved the conversation down a less serious path, filling her in on all the gossip she had missed while she had been in her ‘study bubble’ as he called it.

***

Aliya jerked awake in the early hours of the morning....

I'll post some more if I get any feedback x

[tommysize1]

yo lilpixie i just got 4 comments:

1. this bit confused the hell out of me
"Aliya had been carrying a huge stack of papers and files which had been sent flying into the air when she had all but crashed into him. She immediately went to the floor muttering apologies and began picking up the papers. At the sound of a low laugh from somewhere behind him, Jason saw that Aliya stilled and a primal protectiveness rose in him so quickly that he nearly missed way a big hand curled around Aliya’s wrist. Nearly. There was no concern in that hold, only mocking amusement. Looking up, he had come face to face with Aliya’s boyfriend of the time, and her now husband. He instantly disliked the man, seeing straight through the façade he obviously wore in public. Aliya had looked so determined before her papers had tumbled to the floor. A fire in her eyes that spoke of ambition and passion. He had made the decision there and then that he would get to know this young woman"

she all but crashed into him? who's perspective is this bit from? jasons im assuming...but then how does he know that "Aliya had looked so determined before her papers had tumbled to the floor. A fire in her eyes that spoke of ambition and passion" so he purposefully crashed into her (he must of because otherwise how could he have noticed these things before they bumped into each other)? and what does this facade of blakes look like?

2.it takes me half a sentence sometimes to figure out who's persepective im errrr listening? to.

3.this bit shows how you change narrative style within a few sentences.
"“Yeah, although you looked like you just crawled out of bed. What is it with you and studying in your Pjs, huh?” She looked so ***y it was hard not to throw the damn biscuits between them to the floor and kiss her until she melted for him right then and there on the sofa. Pink stripy pants, a hoodie that he’d given her as a birthday present a few years ago, and her hair sc****d back into a messy ponytail, he had to fight to maintain his self control. She’s not yours. You missed your chance. And Aliya was not the kind of woman who broke a vow. And he was not the kind of man who broke up a family. He was too experienced in the pain it caused kids when families broke up.

whoa! i swear that bit flitters back and forth between inside jasons head and out to a 3rd perspective about 4 times!

4.other than that it seemed decent enough. not something that really appeals to me tho!