ggrr absent fathers!!

I just would like to know what my rights are concerning an absent father, he left when my son was 3 months old and has never paid child support. He did come and see him a few times in the first year but now hasn't seen his son in two years and he wants to just walk back in. I have told him to start slow, start making child support payments, maybe post a few letters for our son to open and talk to him on the phone a few times a week for a couple of months to get him used to the idea. At first he agreed but he didn't do any of the things I suggested and now is demanding to see his son this weekend or he will go to court. He already went to a lawyer a few years ago when in the heat of the moment I denied him access but I wrote to his lawyer explaining it was a heat of the moment thing and he could have supervised visits. The father actually dropped it and never went through with the visits at all and even got his sons birth date wrong! I don't know what to do or what my rights are, I do want the father in his life but does he have a right to demand to see the child whenever he wants? I have explained why I wanted to take things slow and start with phone calls I don't just want to give in to him because I don't want to upset our son but I don't want to fight him either. Once I let him in what will stop him walking away again??

i had same problem as you hun few years back i think from what you have said that yes 100% you are doing the right thing by your child and yourself its not fair on the child to be kept being let down of course your ex needs to take things slowly to get to know his /your child again the child is at the age now where he is now learning and seeing and understanding alot more !an hour or two on a weekend fone calls during week just so your son gets to know him and when hes not seeing him insist he fones your son so that ure son knows his dad not forgetting bout him i moved away from my ex partner coming up to three years ago he even had cheek to take me to court as i was moving to a different town i won through the courts though as i had already made sure my kids education was sorted out judge ruled that contact via fone was to be as often as possible him phoning the kids and once a month i would take kids to his house then next month he would come to the kids of course it didnt happen although now he is foning them every week but only sees them on school holiday time as i take kids up to him they stay for week or so then he brings them back to me its hard for us mums we left to deal with the crying kids if dad dont fone or visit when he says just be strong hun n dont back down ure doing the right thing here all the best xxx

So what should I do? Just carry on telling him he can't see his son until he is comfortable with it and keep telling him to try the phone calls and stuff.... What if he does try and take me to court again? Is there any chance the courts will say he can see him whenever he wants without the get to know you phone calls?

[tommysize1]

http://www.dad.info/separation/law-and-rights/fathers-and-children-the-law
useful info for you from the dads perspective.

other than that google child support agency.

.
let him see his son.
phonecalls?
thats lame.
whats to stop him walking out again?
?
whats stopping anyone doing anything?
he may leave he may not.
if he leaves again you could argue to a court that the fathers sporadic visits aren't doing the kid any favours and could try to cut him off.

but i'd say its best to just write down what you'd like to say to the father and what you expect of him. then tell him.
DONT WRITE A LIST OF DEMANDS!

[roobaby]

You really need to seek legal advice. It might all be a storm in a teacup but if it isn't then you need to take a lead on the situation and not be caught on the back foot. Go the the Citizen's Advice Bureau and they should be able to put you in touch with soliciters who work with low pay/no pay clients. It's much better to have your 'ducks in a row' beforehand rather than trying to unravel a mess.

[QUOTE=tommysize1;68400]http://www.dad.info/separation/law-and-rights/fathers-and-children-the-law
useful info for you from the dads perspective.

other than that google child support agency.

.
let him see his son.
phonecalls?
thats lame.
whats to stop him walking out again?
?
whats stopping anyone doing anything?
he may leave he may not.
if he leaves again you could argue to a court that the fathers sporadic visits aren't doing the kid any favours and could try to cut him off.

but i'd say its best to just write down what you'd like to say to the father and what you expect of him. then tell him.
DONT WRITE A LIST OF DEMANDS![/QUOTE]
He has already been in and out of his life like a yoyo, this will be the third time he has tried to come back after a long leave.
It wasn't as bad before because my son was too young to really know but he is nearly 4 now.
The phone calls arw not lame I put a lot of thought into those! It gives time for my sob to get used to the idea of even having a dad while still keeping him in control like deciding when to hang up the phone. It would also be in a more comfortable enviroment since the dad will not come to my house not wants to meet somewhere nutruel (good for him not ao much for my son)
Worst of all he demands stuff from me! He sent me a message saying: No fight from my side this is just how it is, I want to see him for two hours this weekend and every other weekend from now on or I am going to court. No regard to how anyone else might feel. Whem I Messaged him back trying to explain how I felt he just said: I am not going to read that. and has ignored me ever since!
I do try and see it from his point of view he misses his son and wants to see him and I am just a mega witch standing is his way but how am I meant to reason with that? He clearly isn' mature enough to be a parent yet. Even if he has grown up and changed, what are a few more weeks taking it slow going to hurt?


Sorry if there are tons of typos, I wrote this on a kindle.

[emmski]

hey shikera.. i think u should contact ur local citizens advice bureau.... and see if they can help in any shape or form.... how old is ur lil one if under 5 maybe contact ur...... health visitor to see if they can suggest anyone legal who could help u with this matter.... when i was going through a tough time my health visitor got me in contact of a support worker.... i was a little envious and i felt a bit of a let down as a mother as there title seem a bit powerful... but she helped me out alot ... perhaps they could help u with ur situ and tell u wot the best sort of action to take.... as thats what they are there for aswell as supporting wot u want and talking through things with u for the best interest of ur child
hope this helps and best of luck!!
emm xx

[tommysize1]

a few more weeks wont hurt i guess.
but after the father has passed your phone test he will think he has then earned the right to see his child.
while you may still think otherwise.

like the others say get legal advice so you have a backup plan

[Jenni40]

Shikiera,

Like all the other have said, you should get legal advice. Apologies for the long e-mail, but I hope you find it useful. Having had problems with my ex I know how stressful this is.

Have a look at the Family Rights Group web-site first: www.frg.org.uk. Once you have read everything, you can ring the free helpline to get further advice - 0808 801 366. It is open Monday-Friday 9.30-3.30pm.

Click on Advice, then Advice sheets and look at

1. Parental Responsibility - you have it automatically. The father only gets it if he was married to you when your son was born, or if you registered him as the father on the birth certificate. If he has got it, he still won't have quite as many rights as he might like to think as he hasn't lived with you and had any part in bringing the child up. He can try to prevent you doing things such as moving abroad, but very unlikely that he could stop you moving anywhere else in the UK - I rang the FRG helpline to check this out as I was having problems with my ex over the kids. He can't have any say in your day to day responsibilty for your child and he can't do things that would interfere with your routines with your child, so he can't just demand to see him when he wants.

"Each parent who has parental responsibility is entitled to make day to day decisions about the child independently of the other, particularly if they have a residence order, but they should consult each other about important decisions such as immunisations, medical treatment, change of school, change of surname etc"

2. You could get a residency order, costs about £200 I think. The advice is to try to work it out without court orders, but if you have worreis about him being unreasonable, it would help you. You have to make a clear case why as the courts see this only as an option to be used if the parents just can't agree. I am considering because my ex one day said he could just go and get the kids when he wanted and I couldn't stop him. He didnt and most likely wouldn't, but you never know. As he has parental responsibility and he brought the kids up for years, police are unlikely to get involved if there's a dispute and he takes them, but they would if I had a residency order.

You should also contact the CSA to start the process of getting payments from the father. (www.csa.gov.uk) It sounds like the father seems to be quite demanding. My ex became quite bullying and so I had to distance myself from him. We have had a private agreement for money which he rarely sticks to. I am going to the CSA to get money out of him and there is an option that they take care of everything. They write to him and by law he must reply with details of earnings and employer or they can take him to court. They can arrange for him to make the payments. That means you can refuse to enter into discussions with him about money which means less stress. I told my ex 2 months ago that he wouldn't se the children until he paid me some money. He threatened to take me to court. I said do it and that he could pay for the pleasure of me telling the court what a crap dad he is who doesn't provide for his children. He paid money into my account the next day. I would say that you do not put things in writing to the father or his solicitor. Just tell him calmly what you are offering and if he disagrees or tries to threaten you with court say that is fine. He won't want to pay for it.

Men can use this situation to try to control you. From your first post, it sounds like he has got you really worried by threatening court. It is a form of control for him to suggest he can just come into your lives as and when he wants. You have to take the control back. Tell him you will allow access but on your terms, when you and your son are ready. Tell him the courts will understand that you are acting in the best interests of your son. The major principle of the Children's Act is that "The child's welfare is paramount". If you believe the father's behaviour will have a negative impact on your son, you have can show you have a valid reason to limit access .My ex tried to control me for about a year after we split and in the end I put a stop to it. I did that by clearly telling him what I wanted, I wrote it down first. If he got rude or bullying I put the phone down. I warned him I would do that every time until he listened until what I said. Don't get into text wars. Don't get emotional. Just be calm and clear about what you want. He has some rights, but you have more power than you think.

What I will say though is, ultimately, it comes down to what is best for your son. If you can establish a relationship between him and your son, it would normally be in your son's best interests. I'm not too fond of my ex, but I do know he loves the kids and they love him. I could not deny them seeing him. I think he's selfish and he doesn't see them enough or give them enough. They will understand that when they are older, but I wouldn't say anything to turn them against him. So whatever you think of your ex, you really should consider contact. You may have to accept, as I have had to, that he doesn't give the amount of time that you want, and he may not be constant and he may go off again, but children are adaptable. You may be protecting your son now, but when he is older he will want to know why he couldnt see his dad.
Read the information, get lots of advice and be prepared so that when he starts the nonsense up again you are ready. And get some money out of the git! I wish you lots of luck.

Hey thanks for all the advice guys just thought I would let you know whats happening!

I messaged him telling him that basically he isn't allowed to come and barge in and demand to see him whenever and where ever he wants and if he did want to take it to court they would only tell him the same thing plus they would look down on him for not being there in two years and for never paying child support plus I just found out he has been in prison recently eep!


Since I sent him this last message I have one response: " I will let you know when I can get you some child support"
That was a few weeks ago....


If he wants to be a dad that is great, I am a single mum with very little support him being there would be a great help to me but being a dad doesn't mean he can barge in and make demands

I am not trying to be an evil witch and just keep him away for selfish needs, I know some people will view this that way. I just want what is best for everyone involved especially and most importantly my little boy.